Transitions Are Highly Overrated

Once in Fiction Writing class in college, I titled a short story "Titles Are Highly Overrated." (True story. My good-natured professor gave me an A on the paper--as well as a book on improving one's title-writing skills.)

I'm titling today's post "Transitions Are Highly Overrated." There's a reason for this. You see, I've deleted and rewritten the introduction to this post about a dozen times now, trying to weave some wickedly clever scenario wherein I can transition between two unrelated things: cookies and Chuck Norris.

As you might imagine, this is hard. Very hard.

Attempt 1: "Picture Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicking his way through the Toll House factory..." Attempt 2: "There's no 'team' in 'Norris,' just 'I'--and, hey, there's an 'I' in 'cookies,' too!")

You get the idea. This is just not happening. But my conclusion is, hey, who needs tenuous connections for the sake of smooth transitions? Down with transitions! (Please, please do not quote me on this.)

So. Chuck Norris. He's awesome. Did you know that Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open? Oh, and that Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage? And that Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird?

Yeah!

And (now that that's out of my system) cookies. Not related. But awesome as well.

This past week was kind of a cookie-fest. Not only did I have several orders for Indianapolis Colts sugar cookies, but I also was putting together an order of chocolate chip cookies AND assembling sample bags for a local-business promotional event.

I won't go on and on about these things. In fact, I'll limit myself to one comment per picture. Here we go.

Colts cookies, the sugar version. My comment: these are a pain in the butt to make...and the Colts lost the Superbowl. Sigh.

Chocolate chip cookies, boxed up and ready to ship. Comment: Irish butter + Madagascar bourbon vanilla + dark Belgian chocolate = multinational incredibleness (good, good cookies).

And, finally, the promo bags, which contained dark chocolate peppermint-chip cookies (in Colts blue and white, of course). Comment: don't my business cards look cute?


So, there you have it. Cookies. And Chuck. Awesome.

A fishy story...with a sweet ending

Yesterday my dad planted himself in front of me with a solemn look (which nearly always means a joke is coming) and asked, “Remember the tuna fish?” Ah, the tuna...as if I could forget.

Maybe you've already heard this story. Actually, chances are you have, considering how often he tells it. (I swear if I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it 573 times.) But just in case you haven't:

Imagine me, about five years old. I think that was a fairly cute stage. Oh, actually, I have a picture. Here you go:

Rocking that '80s hair, huh?

Anyway, back to my story. Now, my four-year-old palate is still rather…oh, what shall we call it...underdeveloped? Delicate? (Picky.) On this particular day, my dad is making short work of a tuna salad sandwich, and he gets the brilliant idea that now would be a good time to introduce Little Amber to the joys of tuna. The following ensues:

Dad: “Here, booger, try a bite of this.” (Sidenote: Yes, my dad called me “booger.” Still does. Sometimes “boog” for short. Gross but affectionate.)
Me (eyeing the sandwich suspiciously): “Nuh-uh. I don’t like it.”
Dad: “You’ve never had it. How can you know you don’t like it? Just try a bite.”
Me (whiny): “I don’t like it!”
Dad (annoyed): “Amber Marie. One bite. You’re being ridiculous.”
Me (screwing up my face): “No...it’s yucky!!”
Dad (very annoyed, thrusting the sandwich under my nose): “You WILL take a bite of this sandwich, young lady. EAT IT!”
Me (with a sudden gush of half-dramatic/half-genuine tears): “Nooo!”
Dad: “You WILL eat a bite of this sandwich. Right. Now!”
Me: “MOOOOMMMY!”

Not one of my shining preschool moments. (And not one of Dad’s A-plus parenting moments, either, I think.) From that day on, I vehemently hated tuna fish, and for twenty-plus years I’ve maintained that it’s because of the above scenario.

Now, the interesting thing is that taste buds change. They say you get a new set of taste buds every, what?, seven years or something. I won’t claim to know whether that’s scientifically confirmed or just something “they” say, but the fact is that now, at 26, I’ve discovered that I like tuna quite a lot.

This tells me a couple of things:

(1) Though Dad may believe otherwise (and though I may enjoy making him think so), he didn’t scar me for life with that tuna sandwich. At least not totally.

(2) Dad’s taste in food, while often questionable (ketchup on that? really?), occasionally is spot-on.

For instance, he and I agree on the joys of lemon cake, green tea, and my mom's chicken and dumplings (not, however, all together). We also unquestionably agree on the combination of chocolate and peanut butter. And so I give you the Buckeye Cake.

You know Buckeye candies? The peanut butter balls coated in chocolate? This is the cake version. Here are some pics…and the recipe. Oh, and I warn you: make this one a night you intend to splurge. It’s RICH. But despite the extravagant look/taste, it’s not that hard to make.

Start with one 8-inch chocolate cake, whatever recipe you want. (My recipe makes two, so I use one and put the other in the freezer for later use.)

Bust out the Jif (or, in my case, the grocery-store brand peanut butter)...

And mix up a peanut-butter candy topping (3/4 cup creamy peanut butter mixed with 1/4 cup softened butter, 3/4 cup powdered sugar, 1 teaspoon vanilla, and a splash of milk--just enough so that it's very thick but spreadable). Spread/shape it over the top.

Refrigerate the whole thing while you mix up some super-decadent ganache frosting. (Heat a cup of heavy cream to boiling; then remove it from the heat and stir in a 12-oz. bag of chocolate chips. Let it sit a few minutes, and then stir it until it's smooth and satiny. Refrigerate it until it's at a good, spreadable consistency. Mine took about 45 minutes.)

Once the ganache is spreadable, gloop it on top of the cake (yes, I said "gloop"). Just look at that goodness:

Spread it out nice and smooth...

Then top it with a ridiculous amount of chopped Reese's cups.

Need to see that up closer?

Chill it, slice it, serve it (with milk or ice cream). And then collapse in a sugar coma.

Hope you approve, Dad.

Nuts.

I used to consider myself a pretty committed runner. And I was...until I moved from Los Angeles to Indianapolis. Then I found out just how fair-weather I am. Winter here is COLD. Ridiculously cold. And I, put to the test, simply do not care THAT much about exercise (or so it would appear). When the thermometer drops below that ominous little blue line and it's officially below freezing (not to mention windchill), sorry, but running is out of the question.

For me, at least. The neighbor lady down the road is another story altogether. It'll be 15 below, and she'll be out running, bundled up like an Eskimo and churning out white breath clouds like a little steam engine.

Good for her. I applaud her.

And I think she's nuts.

Speaking of which (how's this for a transition?), I've found two great new uses for nuts--AND a much warmer way to spend a winter afternoon. Yeah, it's also much unhealthier...but, then again, I consider mild hypothermia pretty unhealthy, too. Your choice.

Anyway, here we go: Turtle Thumbprint Cookies. And Caramel Turtle Cheesecake. Both recipes include chocolate, pecans, and caramel. You sold? Me too.

Here's are pictures:

These are a bit time-consuming, but they're really that good. And they make nice gifts, if you like to give out baked goods around the holidays. I'll post the recipes in the next few days, if you want them.

Anyway, I know it's only December, and there's much more cold weather to come. My advice is to bake these cookies. Eat these cookies. Be warm. And we'll all go running together come spring.

Decisions, Decisions...

They say that a healthy lifestyle is about choices ("they" being the Health and Fitness gurus of the world). I give you Exhibit A:

Remember the Animaniacs cartoons, and the "Good Idea, Bad Idea" segment? (Yeah, I know; that show was hilarious.) Zucchini=good idea. Cookie=bad idea.

But at this point we have to ask ourselves the inevitable question: who, in their right mind, would choose the zucchini, when the two are presented side-by-side like that? Oy.

Zucchini, to be fair, is a great vegetable. I like zucchini. A lot.

But let me introduce you to the Monster Cookie:

We're talking butter, brown sugar, peanut butter...

Oats, peanut-butter chips...

Yeah, I admit we're talking ZILCH nutritional value, unless you count a little bit of fiber from the oatmeal. But they're just...so...good.

Thus I posit to you, O Health-and-Fitness guru people, that a healthy lifestyle is not about choices, but about compromise.

My compromise? Voila!

Monster cookie + multivitamin. Yes! (And maybe zucchini for dinner?)

And, yes, I'll give you the recipe.

Monster Cookies

1/2 cup butter, softened

1 cup sugar

1 cup plus 2 tablespoons brown sugar

2 cups creamy peanut butter

3 large eggs, room temperature

1 teaspoon light corn syrup

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

4 cups old-fashioned oats

2 teaspoons baking soda

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 cup chocolate chips

1 cup peanut butter chips or M&Ms

Preheat oven to 350.

Cream butter and sugars. Add peanut butter and next 3 ingredients; mix well.

In separate bowl, stir together oats, baking soda, and salt. Add to peanut butter mixture; stir to combine. Stir in chocolate chips and peanut butter chips.

Drop heaping spoonfuls onto parchment-lined cookie sheet. Flatten slightly. Bake about 12 minutes, until edges are set. (Centers will still appear wet.) Cool on pan 2-3 minutes; remove to wire rack to cool completely.

Interesting Things

They say you should try to learn something new every day. Well, I've learned several interesting new things lately. Three, to be exact: (1) The speed limit on a certain stretch of highway between here and Greenwood drops rather sneakily from 55 to 35. (2) Speeding tickets are both embarassing and expensive. (3) Baking peanut butter brownies is therapeutic. Eating peanut butter brownies also is therapeutic.

I won't elaborate on Items 1 and 2, because...well, because I don't want to. Ha. I WILL, however, give you the peanut butter brownie recipe. Because it's very good and very easy. And, of course, because I like you.

First, here's a picture:

Looks good, huh?

Okay, here's the recipe:

Peanut Butter Swirl Brownies
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened
2/3 cup sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
2 eggs, at room temperature
2 tablespoons milk
splash of vanilla
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1/4 cup creamy peanut butter
1/2 cup peanut butter chips

(1) Heat oven to 350. Line a 9-inch square pan with parchment paper; set aside.

(2) Cream butter and sugars. Add eggs, one at a time, then milk and vanilla. In separate bowl, stir together flour, baking powder, and salt. Add to butter mixture and mix well.

(3) Divide batter between two bowls. Add cocoa powder and chocolate chips to one; mix well. Add peanut butter and peanut butter chips to other; mix well.

(4) Drop batters alternately by heaping spoonfuls into prepared pan. Swirl through with knife to marble. Bake about 25 minutes, until toothpick comes out clean. Cool completely before cutting.

(Recipe adapted from Taste of Home Baking cookbook)

Note: I've also done this replacing both the semisweet chips and peanut butter chips with chopped Reese's cups; it's really, really good.